Refuge shares survivor stories during #NoExcuse 16 Days of Activism campaign

Refuge, the largest specialist domestic abuse organisation in the UK, is marking 16 Days of Activism against Gender-Based Violence by shining a light on survivor experiences and reiterating that there is no excuse for abuse.

The 16 Days of Activism against Gender-Based Violence, an international campaign led by the UN, is commencing on 25 November. The theme of this year’s campaign is #NoExcuse for violence and women against girls (VAWG), and Refuge is standing with the UN’s call to end the epidemic of VAWG.

Many domestic abuse survivors are faced with excuses from their abuser in an attempt to justify their actions. Platforming survivor voices is a key part of Refuge’s year-round campaign against VAWG, and we are amplifying these voices during 16 Days of Activism to help dismantle one of the biggest persisting myths about domestic abuse: that it can be excused.

Refuge is committed to a world where VAWG and domestic abuse is not tolerated. Supporting thousands of survivors on any given day, Refuge provides a range of lifesaving services including emergency accommodation, community services, and the National Domestic Abuse Helpline.

Speaking on her experience of domestic abuse and the excuses made by her abuser, Helen*, a survivor of domestic abuse, said:

“My perpetrator was an extremely charming man who was highly thought of in our community. At the time, I worked professionally in the social housing sector and thought that I was fairly educated in domestic abuse. I had no idea what the dynamics of abuse were truly like from the inside.

“He claimed he had severe anxiety caused by my behaviours and that the only supportive thing I could do was to moderate them. I found myself becoming squashed down, a little bit at a time. I stopped doing the things I loved; wearing makeup and pretty clothes, going dancing, seeing friends. I had to delete every man I knew from social media. I couldn’t spend any of my own money without it being sanctioned by him first.

“I was verbally abused and emotionally manipulated. Then physically hurt and sexually assaulted. My health suffered tremendously from the stress and I was signed off work long term. I became so unwell that I was bedridden for 6 months, which allowed him to take full control of the household. I had no idea that he was now gatekeeping access to me; my family and remaining friends were turned away and told I was too ill to see them. My own daughter wasn’t allowed into my bedroom. I was in hell. I was trapped in my own body, in my own house and in the relationship and I could not get myself out.

“It took me so long to realise that my situation was abusive that I became so incredibly ashamed I was in that position. I couldn’t admit it to myself, let alone anyone else. It took me so much longer to free myself from my abuser and longer again to begin processing the effects of the abuse.”

Marnie*, a survivor of domestic abuse, said:

“I remember one day in London we were supposed to be enjoying a nice day out, but he was already in a really bad mood. It’s obviously very busy in London with people walking past all the time. At this point a man walked past and I must have been looking but as you do at the people in front of you and to move out the way. He shouted at me for ‘looking at’ this man, as if I had intentionally been flirting or cheating on him in that brief moment. He said I shouldn’t be looking at anyone but him. From that point on I couldn’t even glance around without feeling like I was risking an explosion. I started looking at the floor, to avoid anyone. It felt like I was walking on eggshells, afraid to do anything that might set him off.

I had a phone call one day from another girl to say that he had cheated on me with her friend. I was very shocked considering how tightly he controlled my every move, and how I was never allowed any space to just be myself. When I confronted him, instead of admitting what he had done, he turned everything around on me. He accused me of things I hadn’t done, saying I was the one in the wrong, that I somehow made him cheat. It was as if he needed to justify his actions by putting all the blame on me. I was so shocked, I didn’t even know how to react when he snapped, breaking my phone and physically attacking me. I couldn’t believe it because I suddenly felt like I’d done something extremely wrong even though he was the one in the wrong.

One time, we were walking past a guy’s house I’d known from school, someone I hadn’t spoken to in years. I barely even acknowledged it when I saw the street, but he went off. He accused me of still liking him, of having feelings for him, and called me every horrible name you can imagine. I had barely looked at the house, and yet I was made to feel like I was betraying him. After that, I was terrified to even walk down that street again. I became so aware of my surroundings, constantly worried that any glance in the wrong direction would set him off again. I couldn’t even look around without feeling guilty.”

Sharing how we can all help to tackle domestic abuse, Sharon, a survivor, said:

“As a community, we often turn a blind eye to domestic abuse, dismissing it as a private matter. However, domestic abuse concerns us all. It is not caused by alcohol, stress, or poor anger management—those are merely excuses. At its core, domestic abuse is about one person deliberately exerting power and control over another, and there is no justification for such behaviour. Each of us has a role in identifying the signs, reaching out to those who might be suffering, and connecting them with the support services that can provide the help they need.”

*Names changed to protect survivors’ identity